JANE

The financial crisis has been foremost in the minds of Americans for the last several months, and as news breaks about big bonuses for banking executives, speculation continues about the effectiveness of the massive bailout package passed in February.  Here to comment further is financial correspondent, Roseanne Rosannadanna.

ROSEANNE

Thanks a lot Jane.  Mrs. Leroy Thompson of Springfield Illinois writes:

(reading)

“Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna.  My Husband and I lost a lot of our retirement money when the stock market took that nosedive last year.  Luckily, we were able to save some and put it safely in our bank.  But with talk about all these bank mergers and stress tests, are banks even safe these days?  What should we do”.

Mrs. Thompson, I know what you’re going through.  This whole economic thing has got me sweating like hooker wearing a double-knit polyester cat suit on the Jersey turnpike in summer.  Just the other day, I went down to my bank to check up on things.  Cause, you know, banks kinda don’t like you coming in anymore. They want you to use them ATM machines, or do stuff through your computer.  They’re kinda like those relatives you never see but everytime you talk to them or get a Christmas card, they say “we’d love to see you soon”, then you show up and they’re like “who the hell are you?”.

So I go walk into my bank, and there’s this big line of people all standing there in one of them Disneyland lines that go back and forth and back and forth, so walk like three miles to get to the front but the damn things only 10 feet wide.  And all the people you used to see in bank lines there, like the grandmother with a big a jar of pennies, the guy in the Hawaiian shirt who wants American Express traveler’s checks, that one mexican-looking guy in the dirty baseball cap and jean shirt who smells kinda like a mowed lawn.  I get in the back of the line behind this new-age looking guy who’s got like long stringy hair and a blousy-blousy shirt. He looks like a gay pirate on shore leave, and he’s carrying one of them yoga mats. I’m thinking “Hey, are we gonna be here so long that we’re gonna need to stretch?”  The line moves so slow we could be run over by a glacier, if global warming hadn’t killed all the glaciers, and the counter-people are doing all the usual stupid people at the bank stuff, and the rest of us are just moving when we can and not looking at each other.  I’m watching TV’s hanging from the ceiling to distract us while we’re waiting to ride on “Cash Mountain”.  And there’s some news about how bad the economy is everywhere on the TV.  I’m thinking “hey, Mr bank manager, put something different on the TV. Showing news about how bad the economy is at the bank is like showing a video about steaks to sharks in a fat farm”.  And right then that Mr. Hippie Yoga man decides it’s a good time to rip this big silent vegetarian fart.  One of those real nasty ones because some eats like a lotta vegetables and health foods.  So I yell at him “hey, Mr. Gay Pirate Yoga vegetarian guy....are you trying to make me sick?  I’m stuck in this line behind you and you ripping off big vegetarian farts that just make me wanna die.  That who vegetarian thing sure don’t smell healthy from where I’m standing. Why the heck would you...”

JANE

Roseanne, stop.  What does any of this have to do with bank stability and the financial crisis?

ROSEANNE

Well Jane, it just goes to show you, if it’s not one thing it’s another.  Either you’re worried about your money in a bank, or you got vegetarian farts that make people wanna die. It’s like this poem my grandma, Nana Roseannadanna, taught me when I was little girl:

Money may come

And money may go

It may fly away

When the wind starts to blow

But those who are richest

Have love in their hearts

So don’t eat vegetarian

Cause it gives you bad farts.

Back to you Jane.