Opening montage. Stills of Stuart Smalley float across the sky. End on gorgeous sunset.

STUART (V.O.)

I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

“Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”. Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.

STUART gazes into his full-length mirror.

STUART

I’m going to do a terrific show today and I’m going help people, because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me.

(Turning to camera)

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley and it’s great to be back. Some of you may know I had a little run-in on a recent vacation to San Francisco and had to spend some time in the hospital. But I’m okay now and I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to the two young men I met in the Mission. I was...uh...having a very bad trip and on some level think I wanted to be beat up. If you nice boys are watching, I just want to let you know this “whack honky” isn’t “trippin’” anymore. I only hope there was enough money in my wallet to replace the tennis shoes you scuffed against my ribs.

(beat)

Well! We’ve got a really special show today, with my guest Norm C. Norm is a former United States Senator--

Reveal NORM COLEMAN sitting next to Stuart.

NORM

--Current.

STUART

I’m sorry, Norm?

NORM

Current. I’m a current United States Senator.

STUART

Well I’m sorry. That’s not like my producer. He’s usually very good at that sort of thing. See? He wrote right here on this card

(shows card)

“former United States Senator.” I’ll talk to him after the show. Anyway, welcome, Norm.

NORM

Thanks, Stuart.

STUART

Norm, you just lost a tough campaign, didn’t you? Wait...

(looking at card)

that can’t be right. I really have to apologize, Norm. My producer is going through a messy divorce right now and as much as I try to comfort him, in the end only he can comfort himself. So you won your election then.

NORM

It’s ongoing, but I expect the court to rule in my favor any day now.

STUART

Well, I’m just a big dunderhead when it comes to politics, so I’ll take your word for it.

NORM

You look familiar.

STUART

Are you a fan of the show?

NORM

Never seen it before.

STUART

Maybe you recognize me from my Page-A-Day Calendar, 365 Affirmations with Stuart Smalley?

NORM

That’s not it, either. I get the Ronald Reagan commemorative wall calendar every year.

STUART

Maybe I just have one of those faces. Anyway, why don’t you tell us why you’re here today.

NORM

I don’t know why I’m here.

STUART

Norm, you can only get better if you face what’s bothering you. Own your feelings, don’t let your feelings own you.

Norm stews for a few silent seconds.

STUART (CONT’D)

You know, I used to keep all my feelings inside too. Sealed up tight like a jar of mother’s preserves until one day they just exploded.

(beat)

Norm, I want you to look at the mirror. C’mon.

Norm reluctantly turns to the mirror.

STUART (CONT’D)

Now say, “hi, me.”

NORM

(embarrassed)

Hi, me.

STUART

That’s great! Okay, now you’re just talking to you, and nothing can be easier than that, right? Tell yourself what’s bothering you.

Norm turns back to Stuart.

NORM

I’m mad.

STUART

To the mirror, Norm. Only you can help you.

Norm turns back to the mirror.

NORM

I’m mad.

STUART

That’s better! Why are you mad?

NORM

I’m mad at the people of Minnesota. I’ve been working hard in the Senate for six years. And before that, two terms as mayor of St. Paul. I feel abandoned by them.

STUART

That’s really good Norm, but is that who you’re really mad at? Deep down? You’ve got to trace it, face it, and erase it!

NORM

I guess I’m mad at myself, too. I should have fought harder.

STUART

That’s a real breakthrough. Now I want you to say, “Norm, it’s okay to be mad.”

NORM

Norm, It’s okay to be mad.

STUART

“I don’t have to be a Senator to be happy.”

NORM

I don’t have to be a Senator to be happy.

STUART

“All I have to do is wake up each day and be the best Norm that I can be.”

NORM

All I have to do is wake up each day and be the best Norm that I can be.

STUART

“Because I’m good enough...”

NORM

Because I’m good enough...

STUART

I’m smart enough...

NORM

I’m smart enough...

STUART

And doggone it, people like me.

Norm hesitates.

STUART

You can do it.

NORM

And doggone it, people like me.

STUART

Do you feel better now?

NORM

I do. I really do. It feels like a weight has been lifted from me.

Norm turns back to Stuart.

NORM (CONT’D)

Franken?!?

STUART

Well, that’s all the time we have today.

Stuart gets up and hightails off the set.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

This has been today’s “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”.

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