E.L. Raica comes at us with another sketch this week – impressive because apparently she’s been under the weather the past few days with some, uh, alimentary distress. So be sure to leave a nice comment, or a recipe for your grandmother’s remedy. Either one will do, I’m sure.
I think she’s really captured Walken here.
Delicate Piano music plays.
A mixed group of WORKSHOP PARTICIPANTS sit in a small seminar room waiting for the session to begin. Wearing a smoking jacket, ascot, cummerbund, and a name badge that says “The Continental,” with an unlit cigarette nested in a dinner length cigarette holder, THE CONTINENTAL sits at an empty desk at the front of the room.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet...The Continental.
PAM, the instructor, an attractive and busty woman, perkily walks into the room.
PAM
Hello, hello, hello! Welcome, everyone, to R-E-S-P-E-C-T, a workshop on sexual harassment. I’m your instructor, Pam.
ALL
(unenthusiastically)
Hi, Pam.
PAM
Now, many of you are here because of some issues you’ve had in your workplace regarding sexual harassment. Others, well...are here by court mandate...
Pam looks directly at Continental. Continental looks around as if Pam is directing her gaze at someone other than him.
PAM
(continues)
Either way, we’re going to have a lot of fun today and hopefully learn a little about what not to do in the workplace. Let’s start by talking about hostile work environments. Can anyone give me an example of something that might create a hostile work environment?
MAN #1
Putting dirty pictures in your cubicle?
PAM
Good. Definitely don’t want to do that. Maybe something more specific?
WOMAN #1
Using derogatory words with sexual connotations like...
(whispers)
the “c” word.
All gasp in horror. Continental raises his hand.
PAM
Yes, Mr....
(squinting to see his name badge)
Continental?
CONTINENTAL
(reaches into his jacket)
Would you like to see erotic photographs I took of myself on the balcony of the fiery vixen who lives above me and who now prevents me from seeing her with an order of restraint from the local police?
Pam stops in her tracks. Participants, shocked by the comment, whisper and look at Pam for her response. Pam delays for a moment and then smiles.
PAM
What a great example! Specific and creepy...but definitely something you don’t want to ask your coworker. Let’s move on. Sexual harassment is also signified by “quid pro quo.” Can anybody tell me what that means?
MAN #2
Basically, it means tit for tat. You give me something, I give you something.
PAM
Exactly, or in other words...
CONTINENTAL
(interrupts)
Please join me in a bottle of fine champagn-ya, and, in return, I will allow you the serendipitous opportunity for an intoxicating night of frolicsome passion in my boudoir.
Participants, troubled and dismayed, whisper to each other.
PAM
Okay, but I’m not sure if that’s the best example as, in both cases, the offender basically gets what he wants, but the victim doesn’t get anything in return.
WOMAN #1
(concerned)
I don’t think he was offering an example. I think he was coming on to you.
Continental looks at WOMAN #1 with a sly smile.
PAM
Don’t be silly. Mr. Continental is just trying to show us different ways in which sexual harassment can occur in the workplace. Right, Mr. Continental?
CONTINENTAL
(staring at Pam’s breasts)
My soul yearns to touch the mounds of joy that heave with every breath of your livelihood.
PAM
See?
Participants grumble and throw up their arms in frustration.
PAM
Let’s do some role-playing. I need two volunteers. Lisa and Mr. Continental, why don’t you join us up here?
Continental goes to the front. LISA, obviously disgusted, remains seated.
LISA
Can I sit this one out? I’ve got a bad back, and I really shouldn’t be around...
(to Continental)
ascots.
PAM
Now, now don’t be shy. We’re all friends here.
Lisa reluctantly walks toward the front of the room. Continental attempts to grab her hand.
LISA
(yanks her hand away)
Touch me and I’m ripping that mustache off your face.
PAM
Okay, here’s the scene. Lisa is being considered for a promotion by her boss, Mr. Continental. Mr. Continental, however, is only willing to give Lisa a promotion if she does something for him in return. Ready? And go.
LISA
(in character; unwilling and monotone)
Mr. Continental, I really think I deserve this promotion. I won’t let you down.
CONTINENTAL
(grabs her hand)
Oh, my sparkling siren. How I wish to enter the lush territory of your lower forest and feast upon the fruit of your loins.
LISA
(out of character; rips her hand away disgusted)
That’s it! I’m out of here.
As Lisa attempts to run away, Continental grabs her and pins her against the wall. Lisa wrestles herself away from Continental, steps back, and punches him in the stomach.
LISA
What’s wrong with you?! You’re sick!
Lisa storms out of the classroom. All are silent for a moment. With great enthusiasm, Pam suddenly jumps up and applauds while the rest of the participants look at each other aghast.
PAM
Bravo! Excellent job! You can really feel just how hurt and angry Lisa was. That’s what happens when you create a hostile work environment for your coworkers. Okay, let’s take five.
Participants, disturbed and silent, file out the door. Continental, doubled over in pain, also moves toward the door. Pam follows.
PAM
Mr. Continental. I just have to say, you really know your stuff about sexual harassment. What’s your background? Because we’re always looking for qualified instructors to teach this course.
As Pam and Continental walk out the door, Continental pulls a long, white ball gown glove out of his jacket pocket.
CONTINENTAL
Might this be your glove?
The door closes.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Join us again next week for another chapter in the life of...The Continental.