I decided to go with an Independence Day theme for this one, also challenging Michael to see if he could do the same. We’ll see what he comes up with later, but for now, please enjoy my offering.

The Legend of the Fourth
(Stan sits at the edge of his young son Seth’s bed, tucking him in for the night. Sunlight leaks through a break in the window coverings.)

STAN
Okay, sport. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.

SETH
Dad, why do I have to go to bed so early tonight?

STAN
Well, tiger, this is the scariest night of the year. The night when the walking dead roam the land looking for young boys and girls so they can eat their brains. Tonight is July 4th.

SETH
But Jimmy said there were fireworks tonight. His parents are taking him to the lake to watch.

STAN
Then Jimmy’s parents mustn’t love him like your mom and I love you, champ. Fireworks aren’t fun and games. We set off fireworks to scare away the monsters. Close your eyes and I’ll tell you the legend of the fourth.

Tom Jefferson hated the king. When Tom was a boy, he’d written a long letter to the king, telling him how he wanted to become a knight someday so he could hit people over the head with a hammer. But the king never wrote back. So when Tom grew up, he had it in for the king. Problem was, Tom was what they call a dilettante, which is a fancy word for no-good slacker. Like your Uncle Bob.

He looked everywhere for other people who hated the king. Patrick Henry hated the king because he was greedy. Patrick was always saying to people “give me this or give me that,” but the king never gave Patrick anything. Ben Franklin hated the king because the king didn’t like the electric lights Ben invented. John Adams hated the king because he wanted to be king himself.

So they worked on a plan to destroy the kingdom.

First they stole bodies from the cemetery. Then Patrick Henry took all the best parts from the bodies and sewed them together to make a better body. He realized that none of the teeth would fit in the mouth he’d used, so he asked his friend Paul Bunyan to carve some out of wood. They put them in the mouth and used Ben Franklin’s electricity to make it come to life.

They named him George Washington and he beat the king up until he left. Then he chopped down a cherry tree and made everyone a pie to celebrate. That was the first July 4th in 1776.

They realized that if they could make George come back to life, maybe Ben Franklin’s electricity could also make them live forever. So later that day they went back to Ben Franklin’s secret lab.

Patrick Henry was greedy, so he wanted to live forever. He used Ben Franklin’s electricity on himself.

Ben Franklin wanted to invent more things, like stoves and kites, so he used his electricity on himself.

John Adams wanted to be king forever, so of course he used Ben Franklin’s electricity on himself.

But Tom decided he didn’t want to live forever. And that was good, because what none of them knew was that Ben Franklin’s electricity could keep them alive forever, but every year on the same day they’d made themselves live forever, they’d need to eat. If they didn’t eat, the hunger would gnaw away at them and make them feel like they’d been kicked in their boy place.

The only thing that would make the hunger go away was brains. Brains of little boys and girls.

The next year on July 4th, Tom saw John Adams in the street trying to catch some children to eat their brains. He said, “John Adams, what are you trying to do to those children?”

John Adams said, “Why, I’m trying to eat their brains Tom Jefferson!”

Tom needed to save the children, so he tried to think of a way to scare off John Adams. Then he figured it out. He could use fireworks. “Everyone knows that zombies don’t like loud noise,” thought Tom. “Maybe John Adams is like a zombie now.”

Tom was right, and the fireworks scared off John Adams. Zombie John Adams.

And that’s why every year on the fourth of July, the children go to bed early and the grownups set off fireworks. To protect you from Zombie John Adams, Zombie Ben Franklin, and Zombie Patrick Henry.

(Seth’s face is barely visible, with a deeply traumatized look in his eyes. The whole bed is shaking from his terror.)

SETH
What about Zombie George Washington?

STAN
Right. Him too. He’s the worst. With those wooden teeth, chewing on the little brains.

Alright, buckaroo. It’s time to go to sleep.

(Stan gets up and exits the room. Seth continues to tremble. Outside Seth’s bedroom, Stan’s wife Kerry gives him a long, deep kiss. She’s wrapped in a fluffy robe.)

KERRY
How did it go?

STAN
Great. He won’t be coming out till morning.

KERRY
Okay. Then you’d better hurry and get changed. I don’t want to be late.

STAN
What about you?

(Kerry opens her robe to reveal a latex bustier, stilletto heels, and a garter belt. She picks up a riding crop from a nearby table and gives Stan a healthy whack with it.)

KERRY
Our first Sparklers and Spankers party? I’ve been ready for hours.

BLACKOUT