EXT. OPEN FIELD – MIDWESTERN UNITED STATES – NIGHT

An ANGRY MOB of dirty and nearly emaciated men, wearing potato sacks, carrying farm implements, and brandishing torches, march up to an open field. As the group stops, COLIN, the leader of the mob, emerges carrying a pitchfork. He stands tall and looks at the hill in the distance.

Coyotes HOWL. A RUSTLING is heard.

Colin turns his head and looks in the direction of the noise. Colin readies his pitchfork and cautiously wades through the tall grass.

A DIRTY MAN with a matted beard and long hair suddenly pops his head out of the grass, gnawing on a HUMAN LEG. Looking like a deer in headlights, he gets up and runs away carrying the leg.

Colin starts to walk away when rustling is heard again. He turns around to see, in the same location, a SECOND MAN with half a leg, pop out of the grass. The second man struggles to get up and unsteadily hops away after the dirty man.

Colin shakes his head and starts walking back toward the mob when a low HUM is heard in the distance.

CUT TO:

Top of the hill. A HORDE OF OVERWEIGHT NAKED MEN wearing top hats, monocles, and cloth diapers come over the hill on motorized SEGWAY SCOOTERS. Clearing the tall grass, they slowly drive their segways down the hill and toward the angry mob.

All come to a stop on the other side of the field. Their leader, THOMAS, pulls out in front of the pack and continues to drive his segway across the field toward Colin. He stops.

CUT TO:

Open field. Thomas gets off the segway, walks up to Colin, and stands face to face with him. They both nod at each other.

Thomas reaches into his diaper, pulls out a NOTE, and offers it to Colin. Colin eyes the note in disgust. He grimaces and delicately grabs the note by the corner.

As he reads the note, Colin’s face turns from neutral interest to wrath and ire.

Without warning, Colin slaps Thomas in the face. Thomas holds his face in disbelief.

Suddenly, Thomas belly busts Colin. Colin flies back several feet and lands hard on the ground.

Colin gets up, grabs his pitchfork, and spits at Thomas’ feet. He turns around and storms back to his mob.

Thomas hops onto his segway and drives back to the horde

INTERCUT: COLIN’S MOB/THOMAS’ HORDE

Colin’s mob lines up in attack formation. Followed by his lieutenant, WALLACE, Colin emerges and moves toward the front.

Wallace pulls out his winding cattle HORN and blows.

Thomas emerges from the horde on his segway. The horde lines up on their segways in attack formation. Thomas’ lieutenant, JAMES, rolls up next to Thomas and raises a shabby-looking I-POD in the air. He presses play.

“We are the Champions” ECHOES across the field.

Colin annoyed, raises his hand and swiftly brings it down. The mob launches a motley variety of GARBAGE in the air including cans, tires, rocks, shoes, manure, and sticks. All watch in anticipation as the items fly high across the field toward Thomas’ horde.

Thomas’ horde looks up in the sky and watches as the items come down one by one and land just short of the group.

The horde pauses for a moment and then bursts out in laughter.

Thomas sharply raises his hand in the air. The horde immediately ceases laughing. With his hand in the air, Thomas makes a fist.

GUN BARRELS slowly emerge out of the segways.

CLOSE ON Thomas as he raises his eyebrows. He nods to Colin as if to give him one last chance to retreat.

CLOSE ON Colin as he glares at Thomas for a moment. He slowly brings his middle finger up beside his face.

INTERCUT: COLIN’S MOB/THOMAS’ HORDE

Thomas shrugs. He swiftly brings his hand down.

The guns go off releasing POTATOES into Colin’s mob.

Mob members, pelted by potatoes, fall to the ground screaming in agony. Some pick up as many potatoes as possible and run off into the distance.

The guns go off again and potatoes fly into the mob.

Colin gets hit by a potato and falls to the ground holding his stomach. As Colin falls, Thomas’ NOTE gracefully floats down out of the sky.

CLOSE ON NOTE as it lands on the ground next to Colin. It reads, “Yo momma.”