Good grief. I think this topic is Peter’s fault. Ugh. So sorry.
I hope y’all find it funnier to read than I did to write. But I seriously doubt it.
INT. KINDERGARTEN – DAY
YOUNG DAVID looks up from gluing macaroni to construction paper, interrupted by YOUNG EMILY’S ponytail sweeping across his desk. He brushes it aside once and she spins around, glaring. Then she smiles.
Young David smiles back and Young Emily turns back to her project, ponytail swishing macaroni off Young David’s desk. He calmly squeezes half a bottle of Elmer’s on her ponytail.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM – DAY
Two teams of TEENS go through the motions of playing basketball. DAVID dribbles at the top of the key. EMILY guards him. As David crosses over, Emily pulls down his shorts. Everyone stops, Emily points, and everyone laughs.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM – NIGHT
Ah, the joys of Parent Night. At each desk sits a STUDENT with a PARENT, Emily and her FATHER in the front row. The desks are old-fashioned ones with tops that flip closed over storage areas. Emily’s Father opens the desk and pulls out a RED BUSTIER and matching RED STILETTOS.
In the back of the room, David doubles over laughing.
EXT. LAKE – DAY
Now in his 20s, David and his GIRLFRIEND run onto the shore giggling as a storm rolls in. They towel off and pull on jeans and t-shirts over their bathing suits.
CUT TO:
Emily hiding in the bushes barely containing herself. Emily holds SCISSORS.
CUT TO:
David and his Girlfriend running to the car, a large heart-shaped hole cut from the seat of his jeans.
INT. COFFEE HOUSE – DAY
Emily rummages through her backpack as her BOYFRIEND and the BARISTA look on. A LARGE BLACK DILDO falls on the counter. Emily spins around and spots David in a corner table where he gives her a little smile. Her boyfriend looks disgusted. The Barista looks intrigued.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
David consoles his GIRLFRIEND who is crying. She looks at him and shakes her head. He makes an expression of confusion. Emily comes tableside in white shirt, black pants, and carrying a pitcher of water. David looks at Emily, shocked.
Emily reaches into her pocket and pulls out a CONDOM. She fits it to the spout of the pitcher and pours water. Water sprinkles through holes in the condom into David’s glass. David’s girlfriend screams. Emily smiles.
BLACKOUT: