Sketch War

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  • Quantum Physics

    Hi all — here’s my take on the “Twisted Children’s Shows” edition of Sketchwar.

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  • The Secret World of Dick

    If it was politically correct, I’m sure he would be all over this…

    [fountain]

    INT. SET OF THE SECRET WORLD OF DICK CHENEY

    MUSIC plays as DICK CHENEY, dressed in a technicolor CAPE and glitter bopper ANTENNA HEADBAND, sits on a chair in the center of a carnivalesque set replica of the oval office (crazy pinks and greens, oddly shaped furniture, polka dot wallpaper, etc).

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  • Cronenbergtonville

    [fountain]
    EXT. TREE-LINED STREET – DAY
    Bright, sunny, animated in a style that’s a cross between “Ren and Stimpy” and latter Hanna-Barbera. DAVEY lopes down the sidewalk, meeting NICKY pulling KIRILL around in a RADIO FLYER WAGON.

    DAVEY
    Hey guys. I see you got Nicky to pull you around, again.

    KIRILL
    He’s no driver. He is the undertaker!

    DAVEY
    What does that even mean?
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  • Medicine of the Future

    Hi all — here’s my take on the “State of Health Care” edition of Sketchwar.

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  • Stuck Between a Rock and a Bitch of Gurney

    Okay, I’ll admit it. This week’s topic is my fault. I don’t know. Blame it on my vast (negative) experiences with the medical establishment and years of having a chronic illness. For some reason, I now find pre-existing conditions, snarky nurses, biowaste, and medical uncertainty extremely funny. Either that, or at this point, its all so distressing to me that all I can do is laugh at the insanity of it. In any case, had a lot to write about this week, so without further ado…

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  • Clean Bill of Health

    Oy. Not loving this one too much. I started in a trauma center and dumped that. Then I moved on to the barber shop. Then I decided I was so in love with an idea I had to shoehorn it in the middle here…you’ll see what I mean. I think there are two good sketches that could be made from this mess, but I don’t have either of them.

    [fountain]
    INT. BARBER SHOP – DAY
    An old-school barber shop with three MIDDLEAGED ITALIAN MEN sporting slicked hair and white coats. The formica and linoleum sparkle. A small TV mounted above the mirrors plays a news program. The bell on the door rings and MICHAEL, obese and sloppy, trudges in eating a SnoBall. He plops in the seat in front of JOHNNY, the youngest and sleekest of the barbers.

    JOHNNY
    What can I do you for, Mikey?

    MICHAEL
    A little off the top. I’ve got a date with Maria Pasquino tonight and I want to look my best.

    JOHNNY
    You’ve got it, Mikey.

    Johnny takes a carefully folded sheet from the shelf under the mirror and with a wrist flip snaps it to full length before wrapping Michael with it. He then reaches for a long hose with a needle attachment.

    MICHAEL
    Not too close. I like to leave a little for the ladies to hold onto if you know what I mean.
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  • Interviews That Never Aired Wrapup

    With cable, satellite, and millions of websites streaming content, 24/7/52/7/7 ((That’s 24 hours in a day, by seven days in a week, by 52 weeks in a year, by seven years between sabbaticals, by seven sabbatical cycles in a jubilee. I mean, we’ve got a LOT of content.)) straight into our brains ((The aluminum foil hat doesn’t go with my shoes.)) you’d think we’d be hard-pressed to find any interviews that hadn’t filled up *someone’s* empty airtime. I mean, have you *seen* the crap on FOX and CNN?

    But succeed we did, three times over. These interviews have been in the vaults, in one case for millenia, and unseen by the public until this week. Aren’t you lucky!

    We’ve got friends, Romans, and quarterbacks this week. Take a look and don’t forget to send your friends on by. We’re always open.

    Next week’s cue promises to be explosive. Be sure to come back around when the sketch warriors take on, The State of Healthcare.

    If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a sketch and contact us at submissions(nospam)@sketchwar.org.

  • The Fightin’ Penguins

    Hi all — here’s my take on the “Interviews that Never Aired” edition of Sketchwar.

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  • God’s Worst Nightmare

    How many stupid questions does it take to incite the rapture?

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  • Cicero and Brutus

    Being a radio interview conducted on the floor of the Roman Forum, 15 March, 44 B.C.

    [fountain]
    Sounds of cheering and applause.

    CICERO
    Brutus! Brutus! Do you have a minute?
    (Beat)
    Brutus, that was a hell of a shot there. Was that something you’d drawn up, or did you just take the dagger and create?

    BRUTUS
    We’ve got a lot of set plays for situations like these, Cicero. What we were trying to run there was a play called Red Rubicon Right, but Caesar anticipated and defended against it so I had to improvise.
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