Last week got a little crazy in my world, and I missed out on the social networking fun. Who knows though…maybe I’ll post my “Operation Superpoke” sketch later on.
But this week we’re on to game shows, and David has already dipped into the political arena…great minds obviously like playing in the same pool 
Pay to Play!!!
David mentioned that this was a unique challenge, and I definitely agree. Not only were we trying to write for established actors with fairly distinctive styles, but hopefully to create something that could be expanded into a television show.
Gulp!
In some ways, this felt more about writing the world’s shortest pilot than a sketch.
I’m sure I’ll be kicking more ideas around over the week, because I’d love to come up with stuff that feels a little more modern (along the lines of “The Office”, “Extras” or “30 Rock”), but here’s my first wild stab:
_______________________________________________________________
INT. BRITISH PUB – NIGHT
ELTON, a stout British man in his mid-fifties sits alone at a quiet table amidst a smattering of other quiet patrons. He wears a tweed jacket with elbow patches an a tartan bowtie. He occasionally sips a beer while reading a classic-looking book through wire-rimmed round glasses. The barkeep dries glasses behind the bar.
Offstage the door to the pub opens. ELTON looks up as GENE speaks to an unseen crowd in an American accent.
GENE (O.S.)
OH YEAH!!! OXFORD LOVES THE GENE-MACHINE BABY!!! AND THE GENE-MACHINE LOVES YOU RIGHT BACK!!! GOOD NIGHT OXFORD!!! STAY CLASSICAL YOU HORNY BASTARDS!!!
ELTON shakes his head and buries his nose back in his book. The door closes, and GENE enters. He is a lanky-sort in his late fifties, with flowing gray hair and the bearing of a bad-boy rock star. He wears a emerald velvet jacket collar turned up, and gold silk scarf. GENE walks over ELTON’s table, spins on his heels, pulls the spare chair out, straddles and sits across from ELTON, staring at him. ELTON ignores GENE for a moment, then speaks.
ELTON
I take it your lecture was well received?
GENE
Un-be-freaking-lieveable!
ELTON
Oh good, another spontaneously invented word.
GENE
Mind blowing Elton. I had no idea I was this good.
ELTON
You rarely miss noticing amazing things about yourself.
GENE
The whole room just wanted me…badly.
ELTON
Shakespearean dissertations have that affect on people.
GENE
I could see people wiggling in their seats!
ELTON
Sexual desire and rapt boredom look so similar.
GENE
Yeah…that confused me at first. But by the end…huh? How do you explain that?
ELTON
Sadly, I missed the ending. I left somewhere between the 60 foot laser animation of Romeo and Juliet freak dancing and your third failed attempt to stage dive.
GENE
I can’t believe you missed the end! It was epic. So I’m wrapping up with my thoughts on “To be or not to be”, right? But, like, not many people know that speech, right?
ELTON
Only ninety-eight or ninety-nine percent of Oxford students could recite it from memory.
GENE
Right! So I want to make sure it sticks with people, because it’s a pretty good speech to know. So I have this stripper pole lowered from the ceiling, and I start doing the speech, ripping off clothes as I do, dancing around the pole like Hamlet is dancing around his destiny.
ELTON
That metaphor is now dead to me.
GENE
I get near the end of the speech, and I’m down to just my pants. I climb up the pole and do one of those lean backwards, upside down things, facing the audience, legs clinched around the top, and I rip the pants off. I say the last line with a ruff collar around each thigh and Shakespeare’s head covering my boys. The crowd’s response was…
ELTON
Uncontrollable vomiting?
GENE
Total stunned silence.
ELTON
My second guess.
GENE
They were so overwhelmed they couldn’t make a sound.
ELTON
You sure they weren’t keeping their jaws clamped shut vis a vis the aforementioned vomiting?
GENE
Jaws were dropped open all over that auditorium.
ELTON
>Not surprising.
GENE
And you…head of the English department. You missed it.
ELTON
Yes…What was I thinking?
GENE rips the book from ELTON’s hands.
GENE
Bleak House? You left MY lecture to sit in a pub and read Bleak House?
ELTON
Careful…that’s a rare edition.
GENE
Oooohhhh…better rush home and read Bleak House one more time. Dickens will release that sequel any day now.
ELTON takes his book back from GENE
ELTON
(shouting)
Well at least I’m versed in the Goddamn material I teach!!!
The whole room goes deathly quiet. ELTON looks around slightly embarrassed, then start speaking to GENE again in a more hushed tone.
ELTON
Look, may I speak frankly?
GENE
You’re British, I doubt it.
ELTON
The Oxford trustees forced me to invite you to be a guest instructor. One of them read an article in People about you…
GENE
I opened for Britney Spears at Yale.
ELTON
They thought you had a new voice, some new insight into Shakespearean literature.
GENE
I was put on this Earth to make Shakespeare sexy.
ELTON
You’re making it repulsive! You’re an arrogant self-absorbed moron who has no insight into the works of William Shakespeare whatsoever, and you hide your astounding stupidity beneath stale rock concert effects and strip-club vulgarity!
GENE
You’re just jealous of my obvious sex appeal.
ELTON
There is nothing appealing about a man nearing sixty hanging upside down from a stripper pole in a thong!
GENE
And ruff collars.
ELTON
Doesn’t improve the overall visual. Now, if this is all you have to offer Oxford, I’m afraid we will have to terminate your stay immediately.
MARJORIE, an attractive woman in her forties walks over. She is also British, and dressed very conservatively.
MARJORIE
Good evening Doctor Lonsberry.
EL
TON immediately stands up, all smiles and nerves.
ELTON
Oh, Good Evening Professor Elsbeth. I had no idea you frequented this pub.
MARJORIE
I come here every night. In fact, I’ve seen you in here several times since I told you I loved coming here and reading Dickens.
ELTON
Oh…yes….so you have…and so you did…ah, my mind is such a sieve sometimes Marjorie…ha ha…may I call you Marjorie?
MARJORIE
Am I interrupting something?
ELTON
Not at all…Professor Douglas and I were just discussing his lecture tonight.
MARJORIE
Yes…I saw that…performance. I sat there all the way to the bitter end.
ELTON
Look Marjorie, if I’d had any idea how his presentation would go, believe me I would’ve…
MARJORIE approaches GENE with an intense glare in her eyes.
MARJORIE
Professor Douglas. I refuse to let you leave this pub until you…
Marjorie rips open her blouse
MARJORIE (CONT)
…sign my cleavage.
GENE stands up, pulls a Sharpie out of his jacket, and signs MARJORIE’s chest
MARJORIE (CONT)
Now put Shakespeare’s signature right underneath.
GENE does
MARJORIE
Dear God man, where have you been hiding? Hamlet has never gotten me so hot. I had to have 3 cigarettes after your lecture. I must run to the lavatory, but when I return, I want to see how much of a Rogue and Peasant slave you are, you naughty man.
MARJORIE kisses GENE hard then walks off, flirting with him the whole way. ELTON just watches, stunned. GENE sits down, looking smug.
ELTON
Ummm….soo.
GENE
Yes?
ELTON
I’ve got a Dickens seminar next month. How would you attach mutton chops and a stovepipe hat so that wouldn’t fall off when upside down?
BLACK OUT
Well, I couldn’t resist. I had this idea when I was working on the Facts of Life sketch earlier for this weeks “Pimp My TV” theme, and people giggled everytime I mentioned it. So, I just had to write it up. I’m just being a little high-concept sketch piggy this week
Anyway, hope you enjoy this:
_____________________________________________________
INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY
Close up on a tuxedo clad handsome blond man in his early thirties, DR. CHASE, adjusts his clothes for a night out when the camera freezes on a closeup of his face
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Dr. Jonathan Chase… wealthy, young, handsome. A man with the brightest of futures. A man with the darkest of pasts. From Africa’s deepest recesses, to the rarefied peaks of Tibet, heir to his father’s legacy and the world’s darkest mysteries. Jonathan Chase, master of the secrets that divide man from animal, animal from man
The camera un-freezes. The doorbell rings and DR. CHASE answers. CHICO, a young handsome latino in his early twenties stands there.
CHICO
Hey, man…you need, like, any help with the gardening, or maybe someone to wash your limo?
Freeze on a close up of CHICO’S face
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Chico Juarez…unemployed, young, latino. A man with a questionable future. A man with a past no one cares about. Heir to his cousin’s Econovan, master of the dance floor.
Camera un-freezes. DR. CHASE walks over to CHICO and puts his hand on his shoulder.
The Ghostly head of Dr. Chase’s father, Dr. CHASE Senior appears. Only DR. CHASE can see or hear it.
DR. CHASE SENIOR
(in an ethereal voice)
Jonathan…this man can help you in your quest…accept his aid
The head fades
DR. CHASE
My friend, providence has brought us together.
CHICO
No man…I just noticed you got, like, the only mansion in the barrio. So I figure you got money and you like Mexicans, si hermano? Hey, nice threads, man! Hot date tonight?
Camera freezes on the two men facing other in profile.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Together, they’re an unstoppable crime-fighting force of nature.
They turn to silhouettes and titles fly in:
CHICO AND THE MANIMAL
CUT TO:
INT. LIMO – NIGHT
CHICO, now wears a chauffeur’s uniform and drives, while DR. CHASE, still in his tuxedo.
CHICO
Why we gotta follow this car man? My cousin is the bouncer at this hot club…wall to wall chicas.
DR. CHASE
They’re stopping. Quick…the window.
CHICO stops the car, and presses a button lowering a back window. DR. CHASE transforms into a black panther. After a dramatic snarl the panther leaps out the back window in slow motion. CHICO stares ahead looking on in awe.
CHICO
Go get ‘em Dr. Chase.
CHICO notices a smell in the air. After sniffing he looks in the back seat.
CHICO
Awww man…you chase bad guys, I get to hose out the back seat…again!!! Madre de Dios.
CUT TO:
INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
With the unknowing assistance of Detective Brooke Mackenzie, they’ll fight to take back the city from the evil that consumes it.
BROOKE MACKNZIE, a beautiful blonde police detective in her late twenties addresses DR. CHASE
BROOKE
If you do see a panther in the area, don’t try to subdue it yourself.
DR. CHASE
Of course detective Mackenzie. But how curious that a wild animal like that was such an aid in apprehending those arms dealers.
BROOKE
Yes, it was curious…are you sure…
CHICO enters, looking at BROOKE and obviously attracted. BROOKE notices CHICO, and stumbles over her words.
BROOKE (CONT)
I…ummm…
CHICO
Que pasa, chica?
CHICO walks around BROOKE, slowly checking her out. BROOKE giggles slightly
DR. CHASE
But the panther was of tremendous help…one might even say heroic in it’s actions.
BROOKE
Oh God yeah…it was so…so hot…helpful, I mean…oh yeah, soooooooo helpful. He moves so gracefully…IT..IT moved!
CUT TO:
EXT. ABANDONED DIRT LOT – NIGHT
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Together, they’ll face everything the mean streets can throw at them
CHICO drags DR. CHASE around the corner of a chain link fence, falling back against it. Both men are scraped, bloody and bruised, with large rips in their clothes. CHICO looks back to make sure they weren’t followed.
DR. CHASE
You’ve saved my life my friend. I’m forever in your debt.
CHICO
Just promise me one thing.
DR. CHASE
Anything.
CHICO
Don’t EVER change into a chicken in the barrio again. It’s suicide!
CUT TO:
INT. WAREHOUSE LOFT – NIGHT
CHICO talks to JORGE, while DR. CHASE stands nearby.
CHICO
(to DR. CHASE)
Jorge’s my cousin, it’s cool. Show him.
DR. CHASE looks nervous, then transforms into a panther.
JORGE
Madre de Dios! It’s true!
JORGE runs off screen and returns a black velvet canvas on an easel, and starts painting the panther in neon colores. CHICO smiles
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
When animal magnetism meets latin heat, it can only be…
Titles fly in as the ANNOUNCER says them
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Chico….and the Manimal!
BLACK OUT
Looks like I got the honor of being the first warrior on the field of battle this week…
So this week we had a little change up, and got our sketch inspiration from the Pimp My TV contest going on at Filmaker Frenzy (http://www.filmmakingfrenzy.com/sites/filmfrenzy_beta/ViewFrenzy.aspx?FrenzyId=18) . In the tradition of John Woo doing Mission: Impossible and JJ Abrams directing Star Trek, I decided to go with classic show reinterpreted by iconic director.
Take it away Mr. Director:
_________________________________________________
SLOW FADE IN:
EXT. – PREP SCHOOL – DAY
Snow flakes fall on the tops of an evergreen forest. As the camera descends in slow motion, we can see the red ceramic tiles of an estate-like building under a light blanket of snow, then we see big glass windows, beige stone, big wooden doors, concrete benches in the courtyard, and a brick walkway leading to the door.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
This Christmas, one of America’s most celebrated directors brings one of America’s grittiest television shows to the big screen.
Music starts, and the first words of “Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon” by Urge Overkill are sung
SINGER (V.O.)
Girl….you’ll be a woman, soon…
The music continues as the camera settles close to the ground in the middle of the brick sidewalk. Four girls – one blond, one brunette, one African American, and one heavier girl – all in prep-school uniforms (red plaid skirts, knee socks, navy-blue sweaters, carrying books) walk past the camera still in slow motion.
The camera shifts around so we can see the school girls in profile. It goes down the line showing each girl’s face, pausing long enough for their name to be captioned with a name:
Blonde girl’s caption: BLAIR
Brunette girl’s caption: JO
Heavy-set girl’s caption: NATALIE
African-American girl’s caption: TOOTIE
They stop in equal stances framing the big front door, which opens to reveal matronly woman in her late 50’s with bright orange hair (MRS. GARRETT).
Caption comes up on screen: EDNA GARRETT
MRS. GARRETT
You lazy bitches better get in this motherfuckin’ cafeteria or I will get medieval on your asses, I shit you not!
Titles come up on screen:
QUENTIN TARANTINO’S
FACTS OF LIFE
CUT TO:
INT. CAFETERIA – DAY
MRS. GARRETT locks the doors behind the girls.
MRS. GARRETT
Listen up. Drummond’s fast tracked this job – it’s big. Gear up.
JO, BLAIR, TOOTIE and NATALIE go pull folding cafeteria tables out from the walls. Behind them are racks of guns, knives, swords, etc. The girls start pulling them out and strapping them on.
MRS. GARRETT
We pull this off, and Drummond keeps Edna’s Edibles in flour, sugar, coke for a long time. Code names…Blair you’re Ms. Blond. Jo, you’re Ms. Brunette. Tootie you’re Ms. Black. Natalie, you’re Ms. Michelin.
NATALIE is visibly pissed. The girls, armed and wearing black suits, black ties, white shirts and Ray Bans come to the middle of the room.
MRS. GARRETT
Drummond wants this clean, capice?
BLAIR
We need to make this quick. I got a date tonight.
JO
Me too.
TOOTIE
Me too.
Everyone looks at NATALIE who keeps quiet.
MRS. GARRETT
Natalie, you’ve got clean up.
They all exit, with NATALIE hesitating before following
CUT TO:
INT. EDNA’S EDIBLES – NIGHT
MRS. GARRETT snorts lines of coke off the glass pastry case she stands behind in small bakery cafe cash. JO, TOOTIE and BLAIR tidy up around the shop
MRS. GARRETT
I can’t believe Natalie missed her shift. She never misses a chance to be around food. Something’s fucked up.
The big storefront glass window with the words “Edna’s Edibles” explodes inward. NATALIE bursts through and unloads a pump-action shotgun blast into the pastry case. Three girls in prep-school uniforms and zipper-mouthed leather bondage masks stand behind her brandishing identical shotguns.
NATALIE
The motherfuckin’ cookbook…NOW!!!
MRS. GARRETT tosses her a big book with a glare.
NATALIE
Edna’s Edibles is permanently closed…people in this neighborhood will eat at “Natalie’s Noshes”.
NATALIE and the masked girls back out of the cafe with the book, and toss in several molotov cocktails. MRS. GARRETT speaks as the flames get higher around her.
MRS. GARRETT
(yelling)
You can’t run bitch! My righteous fury shall be tempered in your flames, and my vengeance shall rain down upon thee like all the plagues of Egypt. Behold, for I shall come upon thee like a thief in the night, and that is a fact!!!
CUT TO:
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
MARK, a teenage prep-school boy, sits tied to a metal chair under a single hanging bulb. His face is bruised and bloody. BLAIR, TOOTIE and JO stand around him.
TOOTIE
He ain’t gonna squeal where Natalie’s at.
JO
Bring in the gimp.
BLAIR snaps her fingers. A door opens showing a sliver of light and a tall shambling figure walks in. Sweat pours down MARK’s terrified face as he hears the scarping footsteps in the dark. He’s almost ready to scream when the mystery figure, GERI, steps into the light and starts speaking
GERI
Hi I’m Geri. I’m Blair’s cousin, and I have cerebral palsy, but that won’t stop me from entertaining you with 30 minutes of people-positive comedy!
MARK
(screaming)
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
CUT TO:
INT. PENTHOUSE APARTMENT – DAY
NATALIE and her masked girls kick in the white double doors and enter. NATALIE wears a samurai sword strapped to her back
NATALIE
Fan out…Drummond’s here some place.
A short African American boy, ARNOLD, flies in and takes out the three masked girls with some fast acrobatic kung fu. He lands in front of the stair case. He also has a samurai sword strapped to his back.
ARNOLD
Mr. Drummond’s out.
NATALIE pulls a .45 from her waistband and aims it at ARNOLD.
NATALIE
Says who?
ARNOLD whips out a throwing star that rips the .45 Out of NATALIE’s grasp.
ARNOLD
Says me.
NATALIE draws her samurai sword and goes into a dueling stance.
NATALIE
I’ll go upstairs and wait.
ARNOLD pulls his sword and goes into his dueling stance.
ARNOLD
What you talkin’ ‘bout, bitch?
CUT TO:
INT. MUSCLE CAR – NIGHT
JO drives, BLAIR rides shotgun, TOOTIE sits in the middle of the back seat. All wear Ray Bans that reflect street lights as they drive the black 1967 Dodge Charger. They stare straight ahead intensely as the engine roars, and don’t speak for a long time.
JO
You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?
BLAIR
Natalie would know.
TOOTIE
Natalie knows food.
CUT TO:
INT. CRUMBLING WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
NATALIE has her sword drawn as do JO, TOOTIE and BLAIR. The three circle her. NATALIE is dirty, sweaty, and her school uniform torn. A spotlight pops on illuminating MRS. GARRET on the catwalk above the factory floor. Half of her face is scarred from horrific burns, making her twisted smile more horrifying.
MRS. GARRETT
Poor Natalie….the world never seems to be living up to your dreams. Girls, teach her a little life lesson for me.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
You take the good…
Close up on NATALIE
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
You take the bad…
Close up on MRS. GARRETT
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
You take ‘em both and there you have…
High shot of the girls circling NATALIE
JO, BLAIR and TOOTIE lunge at NATALIE with swords above their heads poised to slash. The screen goes completely black and titles slowly fade up:
QUENTIN TARANTINO’S
FACTS OF LIFE
Coming Soon
This film is not yet rated
FADE TO BLACK.
I think I’m the only active performer in our group (Mr. Brownlee’s recent leading role aside :). I do 2-4 live improv shows a month, varying from “Whose Line” type shows to full length improvised musicals and Quentin Tarantino homages. So I think I always have that feeling of making something work on stage when I work on pieces.
The sketches that I’ve always loved have always had a satirical edge to them – like Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin sketches , Dave Chapelle’s Ethnic Draft on the Chapelle show, Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks or Upper Class Twit of the Year (the Pythons were MASTERS of absurd satire). Satire to me isn’t necessarily political, they just have a target, something to say. They also have a basis in some readily apparent truth. Mad TV never did much for me because their sketches always seemed to be about throwing the weirdest possible character into some situation, and letting the wackiness begin. In the end, the sketch didn’t give us any food for thought, so our brains would toss it to make room for more important stuff. Every week when we get a topic, I look at it from the standpoint of “is there an aspect of this topic that I have a strong opinion about”, and start from there. If nothing comes from the topic itself, I explode it out until I find something I have an opinion about – “3:34am” led me to thinking about torture tactics, “advertising” led me to thinking about car ads, the current state of the American automobile industry and how it got that way.
Once I have that I start thinking about the characters and relationships. I try to work on those at first more so than the narrative (plot) of the sketch. Creating a comic character, which is really just an exceptionally flawed human being, who breathes and reacts emotionally as he \ she tries to navigate through some situation generally leads me to plot points and actions more unique than I could find by sitting down and plotting things out. The relationship thing is definitely driven by my performer side – improv scenes that have a chance of going anywhere are always relationship driven. This is also where conflict, objectives (what the characters want) and obstacles (what stops them from getting it) comes from.
Sometimes there isn’t an obvious relationship in a sketch – the car ad this week is a great example. But there is still a relationship, and objective, and an obstacle to be overcome with different tactics. The relationship in the car ad is bewteen the car companies and the viewing consumer. The car makers want people to buy, the consumer doesnt’t want to because times are tough. Objectives and obstacles – we’ve got some drama…whooohooo! The relationship then comes in – the car makers are pissed at consumers (us), so they’ll smack us with overwhleming Americana to make us feel heroic and patriotic, none of which has a damn thing to do with buying a car. The rest of the ad then becomes the car maker doing whatever they can to convince the consumer why they should go out and buy something despite the myriad reasons not too (fuel economy, image, technology, etc).
I try to avoid the “joke for the joke’s sake”…I think sketches work best when the humor comes out of the situation and the charcaters, but sometimes there’s a cheap gag you just can’t pass up. Same with characters and plot points – sometimes there’s one so juicy you just can’t pass it up, and sometimes you regret it when you don’t.
One thing I’m always working on is tightening scenes. As a performer, I like to give other performers the time to get emotionally invested, time to build tension, and a chance to act between the lines or play subtext. As a writer, it means I tend to create a lot of air by tossing in throwaway dialogue that I can do without. It’s filler that might be okay for two improvisors trying to find a scene, but it should get whacked out for a tight sketch scene.
And I’m always working on clarifying my message, making my characters sharper (and more comically flawed), making their objectives clearer, the stakes higher, and the tactics more creative, and hopefully more active – it seems that, in my sketches at least, it can get awfully easy to let charcaters sit around and get talky.
There’s a lot of philosphies about sketch (and comedy in general) out there, and all have merit. But this is what appeals to me, what stays with me after wacthing, and what makes me laugh. And I’ll keep working at it until I perfect it (which, of course will be never).
Thoughts??
Okay…I’m an idiot. Yes, I did briefly post this Friday, wondering why everyone else didn’t post yet. And then my tiny little brain went “oh yeah, this is the week we’re waiting until Monday”
So…ummmm….sorry, and….my bad.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
What Superbowl would be complete without a car commercial, huh? So here’s my little homage to Detroit’s marketing machine, and some ideas of how they can get back on track in tough times.
_____________________________________________
FADE IN:
EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – DUSK
The sun sets over a rugged orange desert plain, scattered with scrub brush, cactus and purple rocky outcroppings. A camp of cowboys sits around a fire. One cowboy, DYLAN, square jawed handsome and rugged, crouches over a fire and pours coffee into a tin cup as he looks past the herd of cattle watching and sees distant lightning on the horizon. Acoustic guitar strums start in the soundtrack, and a male singer with a Springstein \ Mellencamp type voice and a country-rock twang starts singing.
SINGER (V.O.)
There’s a hard wind blowin’
‘Cross the world today
Storm clouds are building
And skies look gray
CUT TO:
EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – NIGHT
It’s now raining very hard in the night – a major storm. Our cowboys are on horseback herding cattle through a torrential downpour. They are just shadows occasionally lit by lightning strikes. DYLAN makes some impressive cutting moves on his horse
SINGER (V.O.)
But when things get bad
And times look rough
Americans buckle down
And get tough
Another young, but handsome cowboy, CODY, looks over the side of the cliff his horse is near when a lightning strike nearby spooks his horse. The horse rears up in and CODY is thrown over the side of the cliff (all in slow motion).
CLOSE UP ON DYLAN
DYLAN sees CODY go over the cliff, and immediately spurs his horse over in a mad gallop(all in slow motion)
SINGER (V.O.)
We don’t walk away
When we’ve got a tough fight
We grab our neighbor’s hand
And we push through the night
CUT TO:
EXT. CLIFF – NIGHT
CODY barely hangs on to a wet rocky handhold. He struggles to hang on as he sees the huge drop below, but his gloves are giving way. Just as CODY slips completely, DYLAN’s manly hand grabs his. DYLAN grimaces in determination as he hauls CODY back up from certain death.
CUT TO:
EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – NIGHT
As they stand back up on terra firma, DYLAN and CODY walk back to CODY’s horse. CODY still looks shaken, but unflappable DYALN claps him on the back, then hands CODY the reins to the horse that just threw him. CODY climbs back up, and DYALN strides back over to his own horse. They get back to the business of herding cattle in the rain.
CUT TO:
EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – MORNING
The sun starts rising over the plains in a brilliant rain-free collage of orange, red and pink. Flowers are everywhere now, in full bloom from their soaking in the night, and dripping clean raindrops on the ground. DYLAN and CODY look at each other, and confidently nod with only the vaguest hints of smiles on their lips.
SINGER (V.O.)
You know you’ll make it through
No matter how far
You’re American tough
Now buy a fuckin’ car
CUT TO:
EXT. SUBURBAN FRONT LAWN – DAY
A man, his wife, and two boys (BOTH about 8 years old), all dressed in really ugly western wear stand in front of a big black SUV. Text fades in on screen:
CHEVY TAHOE
IT TAKES HUGE BALLS TO DRIVE A VEHICLE NAMED AFTER A PLACE BEING WRECKED BY IT’S EMISSIONS
SINGER (V.O.)
We hired famous singers
And used their big hits
We made tons of commercials
Showing girls with big tits
But you bastards went out
And bought Japanese
You stuck us with thousands
Of SUV’s
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHSCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY
A man in his early 50’s stands in front of super-shiny red Corvette. The man is dressed like he belongs in a boy band, but his large pot belly and wind-swept toupee give him away.
More text fades in on screen:
CHEVY CORVETTE
BECAUSE NO OTHER CAR IN THE WORLD SAYS ‘RECENTLY DIVORCED, IN DENIAL, AND EASILY MANIPULATED’ THE WAY WE CAN
SINGER (V.O.)
(chorus)
We lost our private jets
Cause no one bought Corvettes
The UAW
Has us totally screwed
We know we’re making trash
But man, we need the cash
So get American tough
And buy our fuckin’ cars
(bridge)
Now we know your money’s tight
And times have gotten lean
But we still run this company
Like it’s 1913
Becoming more efficient
Just ain’t in our plan
We’ll just pump you full of guilt
Until you buy American
CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH – DAY
A charcoal gray Chevy Malibu sits in front of the sand, waves carrying surfers crash in the background. A guy and a girl, both in their twenties, exit the Malibu wearing bathing suits and sunglasses, and run down to the beach. Text fades in:
CHEVY MALIBU
YES, WE KNOW NO ONE WHO LIVES IN MALIBU WOULD EVER BE SEEN DEAD IN THIS CAR. BUT YOU PROBABLY KNOW PEOPLE WHO’D BE IMPRESSED BY JUST THE NAME, AND THINK IT MUST SOMETHING REALLY EXOTIC. JUST DON’T EVER THEM SEE YOU DRIVING IT.
SINGER (V.O.)
(back to verse)
Some people want a hybrid
Then go out and buy a Prius
But buy an eco-friendly foreign car
Is just like pissin’ on Jesus
Stop worrying ‘bout tomorrow
Life can be an endless Summer
Just speed up global warming
And buy a big ol’ Hummer
CUT TO:
EXT. WHEAT FIELD – DAY
A blue Chevy Volt sits in front of a field of waving wheat. Text fades in on screen:
COMING SOON – CHEVY VOLT
STILL WON’T BE OUT FOR OVER A YEAR, AND WILL PROBABLY HAVE PROBLEMS EVEN THEN. BUT IF YOU BUY ONE OF OUR CARS NOW, YOU CAN ACT SMUG LATER ON BECAUSE YOU BOUGHT FROM A COMPANY THAT MAKES GREEN CARS (IF THIS THING EVER DOES GET TO MARKET)
SINGER (V.O.)
(back to chorus)
We lost our private jets
Cause no one bought Corvettes
The UAW
Has us totally screwed
We know we’re making trash
But man, we need the cash
So get American tough
And buy our fuckin’ cars
Please buy our fuckin’ cars
(this keeps repeating through the end, fading out a little each time)
The screen fades into closeup of a waving American flag, then the Chevrolet logo fades up.
Titles fade up on the screen over the logo:
CHEVROLET
ALL AMERICAN
AND IF YOU DON’T BUY A CAR FROM US YOU’RE A GOD-HATING TERRORIST FAGGOT DOUCHEBAG…AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW IT
FADE TO BLACK.
Wow….who knew I’d be the last one posting at 10:00 am Pacific time.
This here sketch war is heatin’ up….
(and welcome back Michael!)
__________________________________________________________________
EXT. SOUTHWESTERN DESERT – NIGHT
JUAN, JORGE and ESTEBAN, all three Mexican men in their early 30’s dressed in ragged dirty clothes, crouch-walk through scrub brush under a night sky, talking in hushed tones.
JUAN
We are almost there mi hermanos…almost there.
JORGE
Madre de Dios! At last! We have made it!
ESTEBAN
My wife, my children, please forgive me for leaving you.
JORGE
You have no choice my brother! We leave that they may survive.
JUAN
Si Esteban! We cross the border so you can find good work, so you will make good money. When their bellies are full with the food they buy with the money you send back, they will understand…they will bless your name.
JORGE
Shhh! Do you wish to alert the border patrols?
ESTEBAN
I pray you are right my brothers.
JUAN
Let us go, now, with no regrets. Let us go where the money still has value, where there are still jobs to be found, where our lives are not at the whims of corrupt men.
JORGE
The border is just there. Run fast, run quiet, and do not look back.
JUAN extends his arm, hand open palm down, and looks at the others. JORGE’s face tightens in determination as he clamps his hand down over JUAN’s. ESTEBAN pauses, thinking, in turmoil. But he too tightens his jaw in determination and smack his hand down over the other two.
Just as the three men stand up and start to run, they are hit by bright search lights. They freeze shielding their eyes as BOBBY RAY and JIMBO enter, pointing shotguns at the three.
BOBBY RAY
Well lookee here Jimbo. Looks like we got three little illegals tryin’ to cross the border.
JIMBO
Looks like.
BOBBY RAY
Now just where in the name of Jesus did you three think you was goin?
ESTEBAN
Please…just, let us go. For the sake of our families, please let us cross.
BOBBY RAY
Did I hear that right Jimbo? Is he askin’ us, a couple of duly authorized Minute Men, to let him just slip across this here border and pretend like we didn’t seen nuthin’?
JIMBO
Sounds like.
BOBBY RAY
Well how bout this, ‘Pedro’. How bout you three get your asses right back where they belong pronto before I lose my temper.
JUAN
Mister, please, have mercy, there is nothing left for us in this country…
BOBBY RAY
GODDAMN IT!!! I am gonna to count to three and y’all best be steppin’ away from that border….1…..2….
JUAN, JORGE and ESTEBAN step back. BOBBY RAY and JIMBO walk over beside them.
BOBBY RAY
We can’t have you boys leavin’ the U.S. just yet – Uncle Sam needs all the cheap labor he can get right now. Y’all go on with Jimbo and he’ll give drive you back into town.
JUAN, JORGE and ESTEBAN exit following JIMBO. BOBBY RAY shoulders his shotgun and shouts after them.
BOBBY RAY
And you tell you’re other illegal immigrant buddies that we’re watching – ain’t none of you gettin’ back into Mexico ‘til OUR economy’s fixed.
Titles fade in over the silhouette of Bobby Ray Standing with his shouldered shotgun:
"THE MINUTE MEN – KEEPING AMERICA’S CHEAP LABOR INSIDE AMERICA UNTIL WE’RE READY FOR THEM TO LEAVE"
FADE TO BLACK.
Looks like I’m bringing up the rear today. Here goes:
___________________________________________________________
INT. – ART MUSEUM – NIGHT
GERARD and HENRI are in the middle of a laser-grid in a magnificent oak paneled room with a parquet floor. The two men are trim European men in their mid-40’s, dressed all high-tech looking black skin-suits, with black gloves and black watch caps. They are surrounded by red laser beams. The room is illuminated only by small pools of light and the intricate grid of laser beams that criss-cross the room. At the opposite end is an incredibly large diamond in a glass case highlighted under a bright spotlight. GERARD and HENRI gymnastically navigate the laser beams slowly with controlled athletic grace.
HENRI slides deftly under a particularly low laser beam.
GERARD
(speaking with a French accent)
Exquisite movement, my friend.
HENRI
(also with a French accent)
Perfection Gerard, just as you taught me.
GERARD
Ah! Have we have become too good Henri?
HENRI
Too good for us? No. Too good for everyone else…oui!
GERARD
Sometimes I wonder…why do they even bother with security anymore?
HENRI
Oui…I think the same thing my friend. After all these years…
GERARD
All those diamonds we two have stolen…
HENRI
Still they leave them out, in plain sight, in glass cases.
GERARD
Oui. Thinking they are protected the lasers, the heat detectors..
HENRI
The hidden cameras, the pressure sensitive plates.
GERARD
Pittances
HENRI
Trifles.
GERARD
Does it stop us?
HENRI
No…never.
GERARD
They should put such diamonds in a safe at night.
HENRI
Or put some big metal thing around them when the public is not around.
GERARD
They want to tease us, Henri…to tempt us…
HENRI
Oui! They wish us to come out and play with them.
GERARD
(mockingly)
“Oh…the cat burglars, they are so good”
HENRI
(in the same mocking tone)
“They cannot be denied.”
GERARD
“We have no chance of catching such men…men with such panache.”
HENRI
“They are so much better than we in every way!”
GERARD
“They are clever”
HENRI
“They are handsome”
GERARD
“They are stylish”
HERNI
“So well groomed”
GERARD
“So athletic”
HENRI
“So lithe”
GERARD
“Let us put out some expensive bauble…and maybe they will grace us with a visit”
HENRI
“It would be an honor to be robbed by them”
GERARD
“To be humiliated by them”
HENRI
“To have our jewels grabbed by them”
GERARD
“To have our chambers violated by them”
HENRI
“To be so degraded”
GERARD
“So outwitted”
HENRI
“Publicly defeated in public”
GERARD
“Let us dangle our gaudy baubles for them!”
HENRI
“And hope that they will grab them”
GERARD spots himself in a mirror
GERARD
God we are attractive!
HENRI
I am one of us, and I want us to degrade us!
HENRI clicks a button on his suit, and all of the sudden “BAD GIRLS” by Donna Summer starts blaring loudly from HENRI’s suit. HENRI and GERARD continue navigating the laser grid with a some disco flair to their movements.
A side door opens, and a GUARD enters quickly flipping on a light switch. The whole room is illuminated. HENRI and GERARD freeze in some awkward laser-grid-navigating positions as the GUARD, an American, shouts at them.
GUARD
(screaming)
JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH!!! WOULD YOU GODDAMN EURO-FRUITS PLEASE KEEP IT THE FUCK DOWN IN HERE! I GOT 50 BUCKS ON THE FUCKING CELTICS AND I CAN’T HEAR JACK SHIT!!!
HENRI slowly reaches up and clicks off the music from his suit.
The GUARD turns to leave.
GERARD
Wait….are you not surprised to find the two greatest cat burglars in the world inside your museum, deftly defeating your security, coming to steal your big expensive diamond?
GUARD
You pricks tripped a silent alarm an hour ago. And frankly the oil sheik that owns that fucker is just dying for someone to steal it. It’s worth shit thanks to the economy – and there ain’t no one else out there stupid enough to buy it. You steal it, he collects a big fat insurance settlement…you two get shafted with on a big rock you can’t unload and he gets richer. We’re getting a kickback from the sheik to look the other way if there’s a break in.
HENRI and GERARD look at each other from their frozen positions.
HENRI
So…no one is going to try and stop us, or arrest us, or deny us with some unbeatable state of the art anti-theft technology?
GUARD
Nope.
GERARD
You won’t burst in again yelling "halt" or "freeze" or something?
GUARD
Not if you assholes keep it down in here.
HENRI and GERARD look at each again, a little defeated but thinking things over. HENRI reaches up and turns the music back on, then lowers the volume looking to the GUARD for approval. The GUARD gestures for him to turn it down until the volume meets his approval, then he turns to go again, reaching for the light switch.
GERARD
Uh, could you leave the lights on? We like see ourselves in the mirror.
The GUARD gestures as if to say "suit yourself", closes the door and leaves. GERARD and HENRI go back to their athletic disco gymnastic navigation of the now invisible laser field, looking at themselves in the mirror the whole time now.
HENRI
We cannot be stopped! The dashing cat-burglars cannot be denied!
GERARD
I want a copy of the security tape – I bet we look good on it.
HENRI
Only if its from a good angle – high mounted cameras make me look pudgy.
FADE TO BLACK.
Happy New Year everyone! I unexpectedly took last week off (meaning I realized Saturday night that the day before was Sketch War Friday….ummmm…ooopps).
This weeks theme was cartoons, and despite a promising start to a SuperFriends sketch (remember that red spikey thing in front of the Hall of Justice??), I ended up revisiting one of my favorite cartoons, and putting a little spin on the first girl cartoon character I had a crush on.
The other battlers will report in soon!!!
__________________________________________________________
INT. HAUNTED MANSION – NIGHT
DAPHNE, VELMA, SCOOBY, SHAGGY and FRED stand in the foyer of a dilapidated dark mansion, complete with grand decaying staircase, grandfather clock, cobwebs – all the haunted trimmings.
FRED
Alright, let’s split up and see if we can find this bearded ghost. Daphne and I will go this way, Velma you go that way with Scooby and Shaggy.
VELMA
Actually Fred, Daphne and I are going together this time. You go with Scooby and Shaggy.
FRED pauses and looks at VELMA.
FRED
Very funny Velma. Daphne come on, we’re going this way.
DAPHNE
No Fred….not this time. Not ever again. I want to go with Velma.
FRED looks at SHAGGY and SCOOBY, who just shrug their shoulders.
FRED
Daphne, you and I always go together, always!
DAPHNE
Fred, I’ve been in denial about some things for a long time, and I’m just starting to come to grips with them.
FRED
Stop kidding around. You and I always go together when we split up, because we’re the two attractive ones of the group.
DAPHNE
That’s just it Fred. I’ve gone with you all those times because I felt like I SHOULD be attracted to you, but…it never felt right.
VELMA
It’s okay Daphne, tell him the rest.
DAPHNE
I think I developed some subconscious resentment towards you Fred…I wanted to be attracted to you, and when I wasn’t it made me do stupid things.
VELMA
All those traps she accidentally sprung weren’t an accident Fred. Her subconscious was trying to kill you.
DAPHNE
It was my way out…if you were gone I wouldn’t have to pretend anymore.
VELMA
Danger-prone Daphne was really "Need-to-get-Fred-out-of-my-life" Daphne.
FRED
But…all those times…when we’d split up…and we’d have sex when we were supposed to be hunting ghosts.
DAPHNE
Don’t make this harder than it is Fred.
FRED
We’d blame your moaning on ghosts.
DAPHNE
Fred, please…
FRED
I MADE YOU ORGASM!!! HARD!!! EVERY TIME!!!
DAPHNE
I faked it, every time! Just to save your big ego!!! I just pretended. I’d close my eyes and imagine you were someone else….someone I WAS attracted to. I just did whatever I could to get through it.
FRED sulks for a moment, taking it all in.
FRED
Fine. But think about what you’re giving up. Any woman would kill to have a guy with his own custom van.
VELMA
(sarcastically)
The paint job alone should do it.
FRED
A guy with some athletic ability, and good fashion sense.
VELMA
You dress like a sailor in the Gay Navy.
FRED
(to VELMA)
This doesn’t involve you.
VELMA
Yes, it does. Daphne, go ahead. Tell him the rest.
DAPHNE
I can’t…he’s already so upset.
VELMA
We talked about this Daphne. It’s like pulling off a band-aid. Do it all at once.
DAPHNE gathers her courage, then faces FRED again.
DAPHNE
It took me a long time to admit it to myself, but the person I kept imagining when we were having sex is part of this group.
Everything stops, and FRED looks at SHAGGY and SCOOBY, suspiciously. Then FRED slowly turns his head to look at VELMA. DAPHNE walks over hooks her arm through VELMA’s, and rests her head on VELMA’s shoulder.
FRED
(to VELMA)
You goddamn dyke.
DAPHNE
She listens to me, understands me…values my opinion.
FRED
So it’s just platonic.
DAPHNE
Oh GOD no!
VELMA and DAPHNE laugh, loudly
DAPHNE
Only a woman knows how to really please another woman. Velma has surprisingly well-toned arms under that sweater too.
VELMA
I need them for doing this….
VELMA dips DAPHNE and kisses her passionately. SCOOBY, FRED and SHAGGY just stare, slack jawed.
DAPHNE
(a bit flustered)
Velma is soooo decisive…when she wants something she just goes for it. And trust me, her traps always work.
DAPHNE giggles as she leans into Velma.
VELMA
Come on purple. Let’s go down this way and find us some moaning ghosts.
VELMA smacks DAPHNE loudly on the butt. DAPHNE giggles, then heads down the corridor.
VELMA
So, Fred, from now on, when we split up, Daphne goes with me, capice?
(off to DAPHNE)
Hey purple, that’s a bedroom on the left – I bet there’s a loud moaning ghost in there!
Giggles from down the hallway. VELMA looks back at FRED with a knowing grin, then exits after DAPHNE. FRED just stares after them.
SHAGGY
So, uh, Fred. Maybe we should, like, go look for that Bearded ghost like you said.
FRED
There is no bearded ghost. It’s just old man Laskey in a costume scaring people off so he can run a real estate scam.
SHAGGY
Zoiks! Like, how’d you know that man?
FRED
I pay this detective friend for fake ghost cases he’s already solved whenever I want to get laid. We’ve never gone on a real unsolved mystery.
SHAGGY
Like….wow dude. All this time I thought we were actually, like, finding clues, solving mysteries and helping people and stuff.
SCOOBY
Ree roo!!!
SHAGGY
Now I’m like all bummed and stuff.
SCOOBY
Ree roo.
SHAGGY and SCOOBY walk start to slowly exit the same way as DAPHNE and VELMA
FRED
Where are you two going?
SHAGGY
Like there’s only one thing that can cheer me up right now – amateur girl-on-girl action. These old mansions have secret watching holes all over the place.
FRED
Won’t they see us?
SHAGGY
You and Daphne never did.
FRED thinks for a moment
FRED
Alright, here’s the plan. You two go ahead and find a hiding spot with a good clear view. I’ll go get the video camera I keep in the Mystery Machine!
SHAGGY
Now that’s the Fred I’d follow anywhere!
SCOOBY
Rrrrrroooby dooooooooo!
BLACK OUT
INT. OFFICE – DAY
One very agitated man (MAN 1) stands in front of a bigdesk, while MAN 2 suit sits behind it.
MAN 1
(a bit pissy and "nelly")
I KNOW I’m high maintenance, and I know I just take and take and take from this relationship without giving a thing. But you and I both know that I own your ass, and if you don’t give me a really big expensive package this Christmas, I will have a complete breakdown, blame YOU for it, and take everyone around me down too!!!
MAN 2
(with a slight Texas drawl)
Fine, whatever it takes to shut you up…..I’ll give you 17 billion dollars now, but you have to share with Chrysler and Ford, and if you want any more money you’ll have to talk to congress after Obama is inaugurated and I’m out of here, okay?