EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP – LATE EVENING

Over a dozen PIRATES, dressed in traditional pirate attire (puffy shirts, pirate hats, buckle shoes, eye patches, etc), stand on the curb handing out cards plastered with naked women to passers by. Over their attire, they wear orange vests emblazoned with “Wenches Direct, 1-800-YE-BOOTY.”

As a YOUNG MAN passes, BLACKBEARD and ONE-EYED JACK slap their cards Las Vegas peddler style and hold the cards out to him. The man holds his hand up in refusal and walks by.

BLACKBEARD

Tis be so frustratin’, matey.

JACK

Arrr. Tell me ’bout it.

BLACKBEARD

Thar be no real work fer pirates anymore.

JACK

It be slim pickens, aye.

BLACKBEARD

Did ye hear that Peg Leg Jones be workin’ at Mt. Olympus, now.

JACK

Doin’ what, praytell?

BLACKBEARD

He be the headliner. Singin’ shanties and takin’ off his knickers fer the wenches. Not livin’ the life but tis makin’ good booty.

JACK

Tis no surprise. TI offered me work just the othar day.

BLACKBEARD

Fer what?

JACK

Dancin’ ’round with those bastarrrds performin’ in thar damned stage show.

BLACKBEARD

(shakes his head in disbelief)

Bloody degradin’. What did ye tell ’em?

JACK

Told ’em, tis a pirate. I spill the finest blood and sail the seven seas. I do not jig ’bout like a monkey with a fire up its arse.

BLACKBEARD

And?

JACK

They ogled me like I had a parrot growin’ out of me shoulder. So I stabbed ’em with me scimitarrr.

BLACKBEARD

They deserved it. Have no respect fer tradition in this town.

BOTH

Arrr.

An ELDERLY MAN, equipped with a walker and an oxygen tank, toddles by at a snail’s pace. Blackbeard and Jack slap their cards and hold the cards out to him. Man lets out a violent cough and keeps on walking.

JACK

What ’bout ye? Any leads?

BLACKBEARD

Tis tough. Ever since the crackdown on Somali pirates, they be more vigilant ’bout watchin’ fer the jolly roger.

JACK

I know. I’ve not been able to loot like I used tah. They take one look at me and batten down the hatches. Do I look like a pirate to ye? It not be that obvious, tis it?

Jack presents himself, in his full pirate gear, to Blackbeard. He spins around slowly.

BLACKBEARD

Eh... ye be havin’ a bit o’ the pirate look.

JACK

What tis it? Me eye patch? Me peg leg? Me bottle o’ rum?

BLACKBEARD

Nah. Just saw a bloke with an eye patch and peg leg, drinkin’ a 32-ounce bottle o’ rum in front of the Harrrah’s the other day. Tis not that. Must be the shoe. Buckles just scream buccaneer.

A five-year old GIRL passes by with her MOM. Blackbeard and Jack slap their cards and hold the cards out to her. Girl stops to grab one. Mom yanks the girl away and scolds her.

JACK

Why we be slappin’ the cards, anyway?

BLACKBEARD

To get thar attention, I s’pose.

JACK

Why don’t we just cry out, “wenches” or somethin’ o’ the like?

BLACKBEARD

I believe that be ‘gainst the lawr, matey.

JACK

Could we not just stab ’em with our scimitars?

BLACKBEAR

What tis with ye and the stabbin’ of Las Vegas citizenry, lately? Besides, that would defeat the point of this whole bloody operation.

JACK

Aye... yai... blimey!

Jack missteps and falls backward off the curb.

BLACKBEARD

Avast ye, landlubber!

Blackbeard grabs Jack’s arm and pulls him back up on the curb. As Blackbeard releases Jack’s arm, a chunk of Jack’s skin comes off and falls to the ground.

BLACKBEARD

Looks like pieces of ye be fallin’ off all o’er the boulevard, matey.

Jack sighs in frustration as Blackbeard looks at the piece of skin in disgust.

JACK

Arrr. Not again.

Jack picks up the skin and tries to reattach it to his arm.

JACK

Me leprecy is killing me. If only I could obtain a decent health plan.

BLACKBEARD

Tell me ’bout it. Seems like I be havin’ this scurvy fer years. Normally, t’would not be a problem...

Blackbeard pulls down his lower lip and shows the inside of his bloody lip it to Jack.

BLACKBEARD (CONT’D)

(with his lip pulled down)

But now me mucous membranes be bleedin’. See?

BYSTANDER, hearing their conversation, walks over to Blackbeard and Jack.

BYSTANDER

I couldn’t help but overhear. You know, scurvy is really just a deficiency in vitamin C.

Blackbeard and Jack look at each other baffled.

BYSTANDER

Just get some oranges. You should be good as new.

BLACKBEARD

Aye. But tell me, where can I obtain such an exotic delight?

BYSTANDER

(ogles them strangely)

At the Albertson’s. Down the street. 99 cents a pound.

BLACKBEARD

(looks at Jack; confused)

Arrr?

JACK

(looks at Blackbeard; confused)

Arrr?

BOTH

(suddenly hitting realization)

Arrrrrr.

MAN IN A PINK GORILLA SUIT passes by. Blackbeard and Jack slap their cards and try to hand them to the Gorilla. Gorilla whips a banana at Blackbeard which hits him hard in the face.

As Blackbeard recovers, an uproar of “aarrrs” are heard in the distance.

BLACKBEARD

What tis all the ruckus?

Jack leans over and looks down the street.

JACK

Ahoy! It appears a bloke just took a wench card. Prepare for battle!

Jack rips out his scimitar.

BLACKBEARD

What did I tell ye ’bout the scimitar?

JACK

Right.

Jack puts the scimitar back in the scabbard.

The RUCKUS gets louder as the bloke makes their way closer to Blackbeard and Jack.

BLACKBEARD

Ready?! Pillage!

JACK

Plunder!

BOTH

Arrr!

Blackbeard and Jack charge off screen.

THUDS and THUMPING are heard as Blackbeard and Jack get pushed back on screen.

BLACKBEARD & JACK

(simultaneously; sheepishly)

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Blackbeard and Jack are followed by an OLD WOMAN violently hitting them with her purse.

Blackbeard and Jack fall to the ground.

OLD WOMAN

Listen Bucko, the next time you accost me with those girly pictures, I’ll see you to Davy Jones! That goes for your friend, too!

The old woman throws the cards in their faces and storms off.

BLACKBEARD

It be time to rethink our line of work.

JACK

Privateer... has a nice ring to it.

BLACKOUT: