FADE IN: 

EXT. FEATURELESS CLEARING – DAY

GEORGE (40s, neatly conservative) emerges from the white mist surrounding a featureless white clearing.

He sees a PIRATE with a hook and a scroll waiting for him.

The faint sounds of a SHIP can be heard nearby.

GEORGE

What -- I -- there were screeching tires, and then --

PIRATE

Avast! Welcome to the Port’o’Judgment, weary traveler.

GEORGE

Porta-wha?

PIRATE

What ye may call the “Pearrrly Gates”.

GEORGE

Gates? But I didn’t -- I’m not --

The pirate patiently unfurls his scroll.

PIRATE

Scuttled. Sunk to the depth’o’Davy Jones. Dead as a bungcork.

He reads from the scroll:

PIRATE

“How much seafarin’ have ye done? (A) born on the waves and there I stayed; (B) sometimes tasted the glory of a seabound voyage; (C) landlubber.”

GEORGE

Um -- C --

The pirate winces.

PIRATE

C, ach. “Complete the following shanty:

(singing)

Oh, a pirate ship is a very fine ship, and she rides the finest waves --”

GEORGE

Why are you asking pirate questions?

PIRATE

’tis the way of things. You’ve ended your life, and now your soul is to be judged.

GEORGE

I’ve lived a good life. I’ve lived according to the teachings of Jesus Christ.

PIRATE

“Christ?”

He thinks a moment.

PIRATE

Ah, you mean “Bearded Josh, the Scourge of the Levantine Seas!”

GEORGE

Jesus Christ was a pirate?

PIRATE

Why do the books always leave that bit out? “The Book of Numbers,” “The Book of Revelations,” never “The Book of Salty Tales of Pirate Jesus!”

GEORGE

Christ was a pirate?

PIRATE

For his whole adult life! You think he just disappeared for twenty years?

GEORGE

Wait, I’m being judged on being a pirate?

PIRATE

Them that go to the Great Ship in the Sky are the ones who truly lived in the first place. And the livin’ that’s not on a pirate ship, ’tis no livin’ at all. Arr!

Unseen pirates in the distance answer back:

DISTANT PIRATES

Arr!

GEORGE

(lamely)

Um. Arr.

PIRATE

Stop.

GEORGE

Matey?

PIRATE

Just stop.

GEORGE

But this makes no sense! Pirates are thieves! They’re evil!

PIRATE

Evil?! Pirates fought off the Great Zombie Plague of 1983!

GEORGE

What plague?

PIRATE

Exactly! And then there was Captain Blackhammer’s space corsair that averted asteroid U291 and saved all mankind!

GEORGE

That has to be made up.

PIRATE

I should cut out your traitor tongue that speaks so of the Armed Peril of the Mare Tranquilis! I --

The pirate notices something offscreen.

PIRATE

Parrot ho!

A parrot carrying a slip of paper flies in and lands on the pirate’s shoulder.

The pirate takes the paper and reads it.

PIRATE

Well, grapple the gunwales and call me a octopus!

GEORGE

Grapple your what?

PIRATE

You’re being resuscitated!

GEORGE

Resuscita--?

PIRATE

Called back from the plank, and ye live to pillage another day!

GEORGE

I -- I’m alive!

PIRATE

And it’s a chance to mend your landlubbin’ ways!

GEORGE

To become a pirate?

PIRATE

It also says you’re losin’ a hand. So --

He gestures significantly at his hook.

PIRATE

Just sayin’: think it over.

An unseen force begins dragging George back into the mist.

PIRATE

May a fair wind blow at yer back, and a keen edge grace yer cutlass!

GEORGE

I don’t even know what that means!

George disappears into the mist.

PIRATE

Arr. He be doomed.

Meanwhile, distant pirates begin singing:

DISTANT PIRATES (O.S.)

Oh, a pirate ship is a very fine ship, and she rides the finest waves!

The pirate brightens up, and sings along as he exits into the mist:

PIRATE

And she lays her anchor on a distant shore by the golden moonlit caves!

FADE TO BLACK.